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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25203319">Now I'm Back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/showsforsnails/pseuds/showsforsnails'>showsforsnails</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>After the Show [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rock Music RPF, The Band (Band 1968)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Twisted and Fluffy Feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:15:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25203319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/showsforsnails/pseuds/showsforsnails</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Levon has returned so recently that being around him still feels a bit awkward, but sometimes, Robbie thinks, talking to him is so easy you'd think he'd never left. He knows it's an illusion and the ease will soon evaporate. He hopes they will soon be back to understanding each other so well they'll barely need words, but it will probably take time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bob Dylan/Robbie Robertson, Levon Helm/Robbie Robertson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>After the Show [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772005</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Now I'm Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“So how was it?” Levon asks out of the blue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie looks up at him. “What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Touring with Bob, I mean.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie looks down at his guitar. Several answers present themselves at once and he needs to pick the best one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wild. Like nothing I'd expected it to be,” he says slowly. “Scary. You thought we were being booed before you quit, but it got much worse after that. The acoustic set was always fine, but then we'd come on stage and all hell would break loose. We got everything: the boos, the whistles, the slow clapping, stuff thrown at us, sometimes they'd even attack us. Some nights, I'd be standing there, ready to use my guitar to fight back if they stormed the stage.” He lets out a small laugh. “I was hoping it would never come to that, I think I would have managed to hit someone just once, and then it would have been over for the guitar and me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like you could have used my help, protecting you,” Levon sounds like he's smiling and when Robbie looks at him, he is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie smiles back. “Honestly, I'd have felt safer if you had my back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon has returned so recently that being around him still feels a bit awkward, but sometimes, Robbie thinks, talking to him is so easy you'd think he'd never left. He knows it's an illusion and the ease will soon evaporate. He hopes they will soon be back to understanding each other so well they'll barely need words, but it will probably take time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While they were touring with Bob, Robbie used to miss Levon furiously, when he had the energy to, but what he felt then was mostly the hurt and absence: Levon had left, he wasn't there when Robbie needed him. Now, as he's rediscovering the friendship and the music they can make together, he's struck by what exactly he had to live without during those months that felt like a lifetime. It feels like something vital has returned to him and he can't understand how he used to manage without it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They are working on a tune in a room in the Big Pink (just the two of them, Levon behind his drums and Robbie with his guitar), it's a bright summer day and with the sunlight streaming through the uncovered windows, Levon seems to glow, just like the very first time when Robbie saw him, so many years ago. The difference is that back then he seemed to glow in the midst of darkness and now he's a light surrounded by light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie adds after a pause:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it was good too. I don't want to go through something like that ever again but it was worth it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The music,” says Robbie. “We were great, we could tell, no matter how much everyone hated us, and it wasn't just because we're always good, it's also because we were doing it with Bob. We made each other better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon has stopped smiling but Robbie goes on. He's about to say things that Levon will like even less. Remembering the hard times brings back the hurt Levon caused him by leaving, and suddenly Robbie isn't worried about Levon’s feelings. In fact, he'd like Levon to feel bad about this, to get angry, to feel he's not as important to Robbie as he used to be, even though he still is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I learned so much from him,” he says. “About songwriting and, and everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you?” Levon growls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” says Robbie, looking straight at Levon. “He was like a big brother to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one can look as menacing as Levon when the mood comes over him, no one else's silence can be as threatening. Robbie almost regrets his words.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I had to spend months on the road, surrounded by hate every night without him to lean on,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he reminds himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He left me, us, to deal with it on our own. Let him be angry; I'm angry too. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“A brother?” Levon growls at last. “From what I've heard, he was more than that. Where I'm from, brothers stay out of each other's beds, and I’ve heard it’s the same in Canada.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What have you heard?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I just said. I heard you were glued to him, I heard you never left his side and wouldn't come out of his room even to sleep. Were you writing songs that whole time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Most of it,” Robbie says. Somehow, seeing Levon this angry, he finds it easier to stay calm. “Or we'd listen to music. Or talk. And sometimes we would fall asleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes,” Levon says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you imagine how tired we were all the time? You can't, because you weren't there.” Maybe he's not as calm as he thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was there,” Levon says. "For months. It's why I left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What you saw was only the beginning,” says Robbie, “and you couldn't even take that. You gave up before we even left the country.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you hated it so much, why did you stay? You could have left with me,” Levon says, and probably means it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment, forgetting his anger, Robbie imagines the two of them traveling all over the two countries, doing odd jobs, maybe joining a band (just for a while, to keep themselves busy while the rest of the Hawks were with Bob), maybe playing on their own. Who knows, they might have let themselves be talked into a robbery after all. He fails to suppress a laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What's so funny?” Levon asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. I was just thinking how we would have led a life of crime and music on the road.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon laughs, hair, eyes and teeth gleaming in the sun, and slaps his knee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would have been fun. More fun than I had on my own.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie shakes his head, still chuckling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We would have been so bad at it. And they'd have recognized us even if we'd bothered with masks.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon grins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Part of the fun. Don't worry, I wouldn't have let you get into too much trouble.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should have stayed with us,” Robbie says. “It wasn’t all bad, not all the time. It was exhausting and almost everyone hated us, but we were really good and sometimes it could be even fun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon shakes his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No point in going out on stage to be hated. And you managed without me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We would have done better with you. I really wish you hadn't left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon sits in silence, looking down at his hands, fiddling with his drumsticks. There’s a burst of laughter and excited barking outside where Rick and Richard are playing with Hamlet. These sounds make the silence in the room only more palpable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I had to go,” Levon says at last, very quietly. Then he looks up at Robbie. “Did you miss me that much?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did. I tried not to think about you too much, because that just made me sad. But, you know, Bob said you'd come back and he was right.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bob said that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. It's funny, but he seemed to take it in his stride when you left. Seemed to respect you for not staying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh,” Levon says. “Not what I expected, but I appreciate it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie looks at Levon, trying to imagine what it would be like to kiss him, move closer, press against him, brushing a hand through his hair and resting it on his back, letting Levon pull back with a smile only to take Robbie's glasses off. That fantasy Levon would be only happy that Robbie finally got the courage to do it, he'd have been waiting for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie isn’t sure whether he wants to get up, walk over to Levon and drop on his knees before him, or have Levon come over to the worn-out sofa Robbie is sitting on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly afraid that the real Levon might guess his thoughts, Robbie looks away, biting his lip and forcing himself to calm down, then back at Levon who is watching him with an indecipherable look on his face. “Come on,” Levon says. “We've talked long enough. This thing won’t write itself.” </span>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <span>It's late and dark when Robbie drives Levon home. It’s been a long day, they worked hard, and Bob might have come up with some of his best lyrics yet, but all Robbie can think of right now is the conversation he and Levon had in the morning. He had expected people to talk about him and Bob behind their backs, but he hadn’t known for certain until now. What worries him more than those rumours, however, is the fact that they have reached Levon. Is Levon angry? Disappointed? Disgusted? He didn’t really seem disgusted, Robbie thinks, and this is unexpected: they both come from a world that didn’t look kindly on sex between men. Robbie’s mind changed after being around Bob (long before Bob decided to kiss him, purely because Bob clearly belonged to a very different world and associated with the kind of people Robbie hadn’t met before), what could have changed Levon’s? Robbie used to think that he and Levon knew everything about each other, but now each of them seems to keep something to himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you really just write songs? You and Bob, I mean,” Levon asks at last, staring straight ahead. He doesn’t sound angry this time, just apprehensive and maybe a little embarrassed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie doesn’t want to lie, but he doesn’t know if he should say the truth either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What have you really heard?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re probably equally uncomfortable right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hints and jokes, mostly,” Levon says. “That you were really close. You wouldn’t leave Bob for a moment, and he wouldn’t let you leave, so wherever he went, you went too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess that’s true,” Robbie says slowly. “I really can’t remember spending much time apart from him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon turns to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robbie,” he says, and there's a pleading note in his voice. “You would tell me if he'd fucked you, wouldn't you? I just want to know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie stops the car. If they're going to talk about this, he doesn't want to do it on Levon's doorstep. The road looks pale in the headlights and the trees on both sides are high dark walls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie takes a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did,” he says, looking straight at Levon. “I also played the guitar for him, helped him write songs, although I think he would have managed without me, tried to take care of him when he was so out of it he could barely talk. So by the end of the tour it was actually pretty innocent between us because I was tired and he was exhausted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pauses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's weird,” he says. “It feels like I never left Bob's side, but I still have no idea what he was on and where he was getting all these drugs. There was the usual stuff we all took, but there was something much heavier too. I think he was on heroin by the end, but I don't think I ever saw him take it. But what else could it be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He's not lying to Levon, he thinks, just staying silent about some things. Knowing that people have been gossiping about him and Bob makes him feel like every word he says adds to those rumours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He remembers how skeletal Bob looked by the end of the tour, how exhausted and sleepy he was most of the time, how hard it was to get him to eat anything. There were so many nights when they'd simply collapse into bed after the show, too tired for sex, Bob falling asleep immediately in Robbie's arms, Robbie following soon after to dream about enraged fans storming the stage, attacking them. In the morning, though, Bob would be on fire again, and then he would sometimes push into Robbie or open himself to him before picking up the guitar again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were also nights when they were so tired and nervous they </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn't</span>
  </em>
  <span> sleep, not until Bob had run them through several songs, talking, singing and smoking at the same time, sometimes swearing at the top of his voice about the audience and sometimes acting as if they had done exactly what he'd wanted. In the morning, they’d wake up just as exhausted as the night before. They'd spend those mornings in bed, talking about music, movies or poetry, with no energy to move themselves until someone brave enough would start banging on their door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robbie?” Levon says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Robbie says, snapping back to reality. “I just remembered how tired we were all the time. I guess I can't blame you for not wanting to stay. I still think it was worth it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did it happen?” Levon asks, and Robbie has no energy to pretend he doesn’t understand what exactly Levon means. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He offered,” Robbie says simply. “And I realized I wanted it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He offered?” Levon repeats after him incredulously. “That’s it? That’s all it took? So, if anyone else offered… if </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> offered, you’d say yes too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Robbie says, unsure how to read this. “Would you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Levon says, turning away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think you wanted it,” Robbie says very slowly, trying to remember any signs he might have missed and failing. Was he really this naive back then? “I didn’t even know </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted it, for a long time. I realized how I felt only after you’d left. And then I thought you’d probably guessed it and hated it. Like I had been betraying your trust.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon breathes in sharply and then lets out a mirthless laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What a mess,” he says. “I thought if I made a move… You seemed so much younger then, and you relied on me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm not that much younger than you,” Robbie argues. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are,” Levon sounds slightly amused. “Anyway, I was used to you being the younger one. I wanted to take care of you, not use you. It would have been wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie wants to shake his head and say that both of them have been ridiculous, but he's touched. Who knows, maybe he really would have taken it the wrong way, and he has to admit: he appreciates that Levon cared too much to act on his feelings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Robbie says, trying to sound lighthearted. “I'm a bit older now, and you don't have to look out for me anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Levon agrees seriously. “You can take care of yourself now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And,” Robbie adds, “now I know how I feel about you. So if you still feel the same way—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don't have to—” Levon starts at the same time, and then suddenly turns around and leans closer, as Robbie does the same. It's so dark they have trouble finding each other's lips at first. This is too cinematic, Robbie thinks, too movie-perfect; it can't be real. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they kiss, Robbie reaches out to grab Levon's hand, and feels Levon squeeze his hand in return. They don't let go when they end the kiss. Levon is still so close that Robbie can smell him and see his face; his eyes are shining. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I'd say we don't have to do anything and we shouldn't risk our friendship,” Levon says. “But you know what? I don't regret what did or didn't happen before but I will regret it if I can't have you now, at least for a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie nods and kisses him again, reacting with a stab of arousal to the feel of Levon's warm hand on the back of his neck. If only they could stay like this forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe not right now?” he says. “Not the best place and time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon snorts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve had worse,” he says, “and there’s not much to choose from. But this can wait.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Big Pink has enough empty rooms,” Robbie says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Levon agrees. He squeezes Robbie's hand again. "If this doesn't work out," he says, "we'll still be friends, we'll be in a band together. Nothing will change that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robbie nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to leave,” Levon says, once again. “But I really did miss you. I wished you could have come with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to do this,” Robbie says. “I wished you could have stayed with us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Levon pulls him into an awkward hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, now I'm back,” he says. </span>
</p>
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